Life

So, I haven’t written in a while, my bad. Honestly, the problem is that every time I go to write now I see the entry about my parents and I think “I don’t have anything as good as that”. So, I end up thinking about what it is that I want to write and then I don’t end up writing at all.

I kinda realized just now that that is beside the point. The idea with this blog was just to write about my life anyway. Not everything in life is as big and important as everything else, but it’s still just as much part of my life. So, it should make it to the blog.

I’ve been packing up for my big move to my new place, so there are a lot of little things I keep finding that I haven’t seen in a while. I found a picture of myself today from just after I came to live with Edana and LaShawn. It was back in the day when I used to have those seriously messy pigtails. I started wearing those when I was a kid because my mom would get so sick of messing with my hair. If there was anything I got from my mom it was her hair. Whenever she grew it out it was wild and kinky and in no time she would give up on it. It would end up in braids, or a weave, or just straightened out again. You know, I love my afro, but I’ve had my hair like this for a long time now. I wonder what it would look like if I changed it. I see old pictures of my relatives with straight hair and I wonder what that would look like on me. I guess I’ll never know. You can’t find those chemicals anywhere any more and even if you could it’s against the law. Well, I think it is anyway. Someone told me once that there wasn’t actually a law against it, it was just that people had the good sense not to try it.

Anyway, Paula would lose her mind if I did anything to my afro. She loves my hair more than her own. Looks wise, there are very few things I have on Paula, but hair is one of them. She can’t get her hair to do anything. She always ends up back at the microbraids. Speaking of Paula, I think she’s starting to warm up to the idea of me moving out. She’s making plans for what she’s going to do to my room once I leave. That girl is a trip.

Oh, I’m reading my favorite collection of Maya Angelou poems again. God, I love those things. My dad bought them for me a long time ago. I lost the first copy I had lord knows where, but I bought a new book right after I started teaching. If I could write like that woman did, I’d never stop.

Well, since that isn’t the case. I guess that’s the end of my entry for tonight. I got work in the morning and those kids ain’t gonna teach themselves.

My Mommy and Daddy

I was feeling antsy tonight, so I was sitting around messing with my computer. I looked up and realized that it was midnight, then I saw the date. Today would be my parents' twenty-something-th anniversary. I'm not sure what I feel. It's kind of a weird throbbing in the pit of my stomach to think of the whole situation that way. To imagine them still alive and happily married...what would they even look like if they were alive today. I wonder if they would recognize me. I hope they would. I'm pretty sure my mom would, she used to just sit and stare at my eyes sometimes, tell me that they looked just like my dad's.

In honor of my parents' anniversary, I'm going to tell a story. You ready?

My parents were both English students at the University at the same time. Both of them were dating different people. But, as my mom tells it, the moment she saw my dad she knew she had to have him. As my dad tells it, he didn't even like her because they guy she was dating was a jerk. Well, time went by and she broke up with the jerk. Eventually he broke up with his girlfriend, so mom decided it was time to make her move. She had tried to say hello to him every time they saw each other, but he hadn't been very talkative. So one day after English class, she walked up and said "Hey, we have a bunch of classes together. You're name is Jonothan and mine is Elana and we're going to be friends. The next time I see you, you'd better say hi!" Then, she walked off.

Well, time passed and he said hi when he saw her. Eventually, they ended up in the same class right before lunch, so they started eating lunch and walking to class together. They would talk about class and life and whatever books they were reading. Finally, he invited her to this play he was in. She was all excited at the chance to see him outside of their normal setting. At this point, she had gone back to dating her old boyfriend, but things weren't going so well, so she had hope! Well, she went to the play and waited for him outside with the families. As soon as he came out this other girl (the one he had broken up with before) came leaping into his arms! Mom was stunned, she was sure they had broken up. She went home broken hearted.

Not too long later, my mom had a class with daddy's little blond girlfriend. She heard her telling another girl that they had broken up the week before and she was plotting to get back with him. Well, Mommy knew she had no time to waste! That same day she asked him out on a "not date between two people who are just getting out of relationships and aren't ready to date any one else but would like to go see a movie together". He fell for it!

Well, she was sure she had found the right guy, but he really didn't want to get in a relationship. The next semester he was going off to Ireland and couldn't imagine putting someone through that. It's important to note at this point, for anyone who doesn't know anything about my daddy, he was always the knight in shining armor. Well, he fought her off for most of the summer, but by the time he went to Ireland she had him calling her every day just to talk. When he came back, they were inseparable.

And that's the story of my mommy and daddy getting together. I know you're up there looking out for me now and I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you. I hope I'm making you proud!

Kinda weirded out

Okay, so I'm going to go ahead and say beforehand that maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I have no grounds for being weirded out and I should just be happy for the concern on my behalf.

That having been said, Tamia George (mother of my student Ororo George) is totally creepy. So like I said before, she used to be a student of my mom's back before the the war. In fact, my mom was pregnant with me when Tamia was in her class. Of course that could lead to some form of connection between the two of us, but I haven't seen her for a significant amount of time my entire life, so it seems a tad weird to me that she is so interested in me.

The setup is this: Ororo has serious anger issues, but is one of my best students. Her mom is concerned about her and wants to keep a close eye on her academic progress. Totally understandable. In fact, I wish there were more parents like that. So Tamia set up conferences with me in the mornings once a week. She said she could only do it before school, on account of the fact that she is a nurse and works late most nights. I am totally okay with that. However, when we start having the conference, we talk about Ororo for about five minutes an then the topic turns to me. She wants to know what my life is like. She wants to know what I do in my free time. She wants to know about family life and if I have a boyfriend and if I plan on having kids. I keep trying to turn the conversation back to Ororo, I keep thinking that it's unprofessional to share this much of my private life with a parent of a student, but she's relentless...and really really nice. I found myself telling her things that I didn't even know I was going to say.

Then we started talking about my mother. She was saying how I reminded her of my mom. I was just going to say something about a lesson that I had planned and how I'd gotten the idea from some of my mom's old papers. Nothing came out though. I just started crying. Not crying like a little bit either, like boo-hooing. Why did I have to choose today to wear mascara? Before I know what's happening, Tamia is stroking my hair and I am totally letting her. I felt like I couldn't breath and all I could get out between sobs was "I just miss her so much some times".

I don't know, maybe it's because it's getting close to their anniversary and I always feel kinda like this when that time rolls around. Also, it may have something to do with my period, which is about to start. I always know when it's that time, because I find myself crying over silly things. On my way to work today there was a man about my age in a military uniform on a playground spinning his daughter around. Really, all I thought was, "That's nice" but I was blinking back tears. What's that all about? Really, I could set my clock by it. Well, calender...if you had to set a calendar...seriously though, does this happen to other women? I hear jokes about women becoming like these horrible angry creatures during their periods, but I just feel like curling into a ball and disappearing for a week.

I DID IT!

I did it! Lease signed, apartment will officially be mine in one short (oh so not short) month. I feel so...I don't know what I feel...it's like happy and scared and there's this pressure in my chest and it feels like I'm going to explode. Hold on, gonna stand up and shake this out...

*shakes*

Alright, better. That's much better. I'm thrilled. Did I already write about the apartment on here? I'm sure I must have...did I mention WOOD FLOORS! Squee! Yeah, so I went by and did it this morning. The landlady gave me kind of a sideways glance when I mentioned finally being out on my own. She said something like "There are lots of families and older people in the building". I think it was her way of saying, "Don't you be havin any crazy parties up in here young missy!" No problem there. No parties in my apartment, not any time soon. Paula was not happy to here that, but I've got to lay it down right off the bat. Really, I can do like social gatherings over coffee or somethin (not that I really do) but parties of the noise complaint type are not really my style. You know what I could have though? A BOYFRIEND! Squee!

Okay, not really so squee on the boyfriend, I mean I'm very much of the "if it happens it happens" variety. I think it's something my dad wrote in a book of his once: "If you spent a lot of time looking for love, you're going to find the wrong person every time. If you just be you and do the things you like to do, the right person will be naturally attracted to you." Amen Dad! Cause I ain't gonna change for no man no how...not that they've really asked. To be honest, and you all know this, in this day and age no one is looking for a light skinned little mixed girl. Everyone is pushing darker and darker women since the war and all. The only thing I've really got going for me is my hair. I love my hair. I should do a whole blog entry on my hair care regimen some day. Hmmm, not today though.

Alright, bedtime for Zuri. Sleep well, little blog.

Models have feelings too

So, I guess it's entirely possible that I'm a bad person. I mean, I never tried to be a bad person per se, but i really did hurt my sister's feelings and I am really sorry.

After work today I had this long voice mail from LaShawn (my uncle/dad) about how upset Paula was. Apparently, she had stormed off to bed the night before after reading my blog and then had called out sick to work this morning. I did my best to get out of the house early so I wouldn't have to deal with her.

I have to pause to say this, LaShawn is a very patient man. Both of us were furious at one another to the point of avoiding each other and he had the care, though not really the time, to step in and find out what was bothering us and force us to make up.

Now when I say "make up" that doesn't mean it went smoothly. Paula and I got into a screaming match about who has things tougher and who cares more about who, but he waited it out. It very nearly came to blows, which it honestly wouldn't be the first time that Paula and I have gotten into a fist fight outside of the dojo. In the end, it became clear to me that Paula was angry because she felt like I was leaving her behind when she had felt like we were so close. I guess I should have been grateful for those feelings instead of being mad at her.

I just...okay, I'm going to go on a personal tangent here. My parents were killed during the war when I was ten years old. They were trying to help my uncle cross the border because he had gotten into some trouble with the militia. When they were trying to cross their car was hit by a rocket from the north and everyone died on impact. While they had been on the road, they took me to my Aunt Edana's house where I could stay until they got back. Of course, they never got back. Edana and her husband LaShawn have been like parents to me ever since then. They officially adopted me a month later. I couldn't have asked for any better than this family has given me.

The thing is this though, I don't feel like I've ever had anything of my own. Not a house, not a toy, not a thing. It all feels like it's on loan. I was excited about having this apartment because it meant that I would finally have a place that was just mine and that I was paying for with my own money from my own job. I think Paula gets that now.

I don't want to leave these people, especially not my sister. We may be cousins by birth, but I can't imagine being any closer to a person than I am to my sister now. Okay, before I start crying again, I'm going to wrap this up.

Love you Paulie!
Your sister, Zuri

Grow up

Oh great, this is how I find out my sister is mad at me. She hasn't talked to me in two days, no matter how much I talk to her. I ask her what's wrong and she says "nothin" so I leave it alone. Now I get home and sign on to find her little passive aggressive rant about apartment hunting with me.

Paula's not happy I'm looking at apartments? Tough shit. Paula has had everything she wanted for the past eighteen years and not had to work for a bit of it. Everything just comes naturally to Paula. She's pretty, yes, I've been told. You know what she did to get pretty? Not a thing! She works out less than I do, all but quit the dojo, eats like a pig and I'M the one developing the little pot belly. Not fair!

See that? Me shopping for apartments so I can actually have something that is really my own and that I paid for: fair. Being naturally pretty to the point of nausea: not fair.

You know what else isn't fair? I love music, I always have. I've been trying to learn how to sing since I was tiny. My mom used to sing so beautifully and I really want to be able to do that. In fact, it runs in our family. Aunt Edana is also a great singer. But no matter how hard I try, no luck. Paula decided she was going to be a singer halfway through her junior year and by the time she graduated she was getting crazy honors from the chorus society. Not fair.

I want dark skin, and long legs, and a perfect stomach, and a perfect voice, and men just falling all over me, but I don't get any of those things that Paula has.

You know what else I want? I f***ing apartment and that I can actually get. So you know what? If Paula can't be happy for me and if Paula can't get over herself for five minutes then too bad for Paula. I'm going down there first thing in the morning to sign that lease. Then, I'm getting out from under.