New Ways to Sweat

So, maybe this is just me, but did refrigerators always make such a loud buzzing noise? I swear to God, I think it woke me up this morning. Now I'm pretty fierce about this "I'm a big girl I don't need anyone to protect me" thing, but having an apartment by myself can be a bit creepy. Thank God for teaching because if I didn't have somewhere to go during the day I think I'd lose my marbles hanging around here and discovering what appliances in my house make formerly unheard noises.

For real though, I'm really okay. I'm finally starting to get stuff unpacked. I have a few things hanging on the wall and...well, my tv on an endtable which isn't really big enough for it directly across from my beat up old couch. I had to set it up somewhere and came to realize I don't actually own a "tv table". The whole place really is pretty sad looking, but I had to put the tv up so I could distract myself from the mess.

Right now my biggest concern is that I haven't found the laundry room in this building yet and my house is starting to stink. Seriously, I didn't know I could sweat like this. I mean, I've been doing martial arts for most of my life, but I have never soaked through three t-shirts in one day. I had changed one and thought I was good till Paula came over and said she wanted to take me out to dinner. I said okay, and started to walk out with her. She just stared at me like I was some kind of nut.

"What?" I asked.

"Zuri, I can see your boobies," she said.

"So what, I can see yours too, I replied.

"Yeah but this dress is supposed to look like this AND I'm wearing a bra. I am not going out with you looking or smelling like that."

"Smelling? Do I smell?" I sniffed my armpit, bad move.

Paula said she was going to help me unpack after dinner, but it was really something more like move small objects from one side of the room to the other. Then she started watching something on TV and it was all over. Next thing I knew I was waking her up off my couch. Love you Paulie.

Anyway, life goes on...

I DID IT!

I did it! Lease signed, apartment will officially be mine in one short (oh so not short) month. I feel so...I don't know what I feel...it's like happy and scared and there's this pressure in my chest and it feels like I'm going to explode. Hold on, gonna stand up and shake this out...

*shakes*

Alright, better. That's much better. I'm thrilled. Did I already write about the apartment on here? I'm sure I must have...did I mention WOOD FLOORS! Squee! Yeah, so I went by and did it this morning. The landlady gave me kind of a sideways glance when I mentioned finally being out on my own. She said something like "There are lots of families and older people in the building". I think it was her way of saying, "Don't you be havin any crazy parties up in here young missy!" No problem there. No parties in my apartment, not any time soon. Paula was not happy to here that, but I've got to lay it down right off the bat. Really, I can do like social gatherings over coffee or somethin (not that I really do) but parties of the noise complaint type are not really my style. You know what I could have though? A BOYFRIEND! Squee!

Okay, not really so squee on the boyfriend, I mean I'm very much of the "if it happens it happens" variety. I think it's something my dad wrote in a book of his once: "If you spent a lot of time looking for love, you're going to find the wrong person every time. If you just be you and do the things you like to do, the right person will be naturally attracted to you." Amen Dad! Cause I ain't gonna change for no man no how...not that they've really asked. To be honest, and you all know this, in this day and age no one is looking for a light skinned little mixed girl. Everyone is pushing darker and darker women since the war and all. The only thing I've really got going for me is my hair. I love my hair. I should do a whole blog entry on my hair care regimen some day. Hmmm, not today though.

Alright, bedtime for Zuri. Sleep well, little blog.

Models have feelings too

So, I guess it's entirely possible that I'm a bad person. I mean, I never tried to be a bad person per se, but i really did hurt my sister's feelings and I am really sorry.

After work today I had this long voice mail from LaShawn (my uncle/dad) about how upset Paula was. Apparently, she had stormed off to bed the night before after reading my blog and then had called out sick to work this morning. I did my best to get out of the house early so I wouldn't have to deal with her.

I have to pause to say this, LaShawn is a very patient man. Both of us were furious at one another to the point of avoiding each other and he had the care, though not really the time, to step in and find out what was bothering us and force us to make up.

Now when I say "make up" that doesn't mean it went smoothly. Paula and I got into a screaming match about who has things tougher and who cares more about who, but he waited it out. It very nearly came to blows, which it honestly wouldn't be the first time that Paula and I have gotten into a fist fight outside of the dojo. In the end, it became clear to me that Paula was angry because she felt like I was leaving her behind when she had felt like we were so close. I guess I should have been grateful for those feelings instead of being mad at her.

I just...okay, I'm going to go on a personal tangent here. My parents were killed during the war when I was ten years old. They were trying to help my uncle cross the border because he had gotten into some trouble with the militia. When they were trying to cross their car was hit by a rocket from the north and everyone died on impact. While they had been on the road, they took me to my Aunt Edana's house where I could stay until they got back. Of course, they never got back. Edana and her husband LaShawn have been like parents to me ever since then. They officially adopted me a month later. I couldn't have asked for any better than this family has given me.

The thing is this though, I don't feel like I've ever had anything of my own. Not a house, not a toy, not a thing. It all feels like it's on loan. I was excited about having this apartment because it meant that I would finally have a place that was just mine and that I was paying for with my own money from my own job. I think Paula gets that now.

I don't want to leave these people, especially not my sister. We may be cousins by birth, but I can't imagine being any closer to a person than I am to my sister now. Okay, before I start crying again, I'm going to wrap this up.

Love you Paulie!
Your sister, Zuri

Grow up

Oh great, this is how I find out my sister is mad at me. She hasn't talked to me in two days, no matter how much I talk to her. I ask her what's wrong and she says "nothin" so I leave it alone. Now I get home and sign on to find her little passive aggressive rant about apartment hunting with me.

Paula's not happy I'm looking at apartments? Tough shit. Paula has had everything she wanted for the past eighteen years and not had to work for a bit of it. Everything just comes naturally to Paula. She's pretty, yes, I've been told. You know what she did to get pretty? Not a thing! She works out less than I do, all but quit the dojo, eats like a pig and I'M the one developing the little pot belly. Not fair!

See that? Me shopping for apartments so I can actually have something that is really my own and that I paid for: fair. Being naturally pretty to the point of nausea: not fair.

You know what else isn't fair? I love music, I always have. I've been trying to learn how to sing since I was tiny. My mom used to sing so beautifully and I really want to be able to do that. In fact, it runs in our family. Aunt Edana is also a great singer. But no matter how hard I try, no luck. Paula decided she was going to be a singer halfway through her junior year and by the time she graduated she was getting crazy honors from the chorus society. Not fair.

I want dark skin, and long legs, and a perfect stomach, and a perfect voice, and men just falling all over me, but I don't get any of those things that Paula has.

You know what else I want? I f***ing apartment and that I can actually get. So you know what? If Paula can't be happy for me and if Paula can't get over herself for five minutes then too bad for Paula. I'm going down there first thing in the morning to sign that lease. Then, I'm getting out from under.

Elated!

I think I found it! I think I found just the right apartment for me! It's going to be so great! It hasn't come open yet but it will be very shortly and the price is right and the location is right and it's oh so pretty!

Let me tell you about it. So it's right down close to the school and to downtown. I didn't even know there were apartments there. I just happened to be jogging with Paula after school (jogging, yuck!) and we were passing by what looks like an old warehouse down on the edge of downtown. There was a sign on the door that said "apartments for rent". I wasn't sure if apartments in an old warehouse would be something I would like, so I ducked in just to pick up a brochure. I asked the lady at the front desk about it and she was soooo nice. We had been running for like twenty minutes and I smelled terrible and was sweating like a pig (Paula never smells bad, no matter how much she sweats. I don't know how she does it.) anyway, she insisted on giving us a tour of the place and took us up to see the apartment they would be renting out. It's nice and homey and (I know it won't stay this way but...) the old lady who had been living there had it all decorated in this beautiful old fashioned cottage theme. The family was moving her stuff out over the next few weeks, so not open yet, but the lady said that we could sign a lease as soon as I was ready.

Am I ready? I feel so ready! I've lived with Edana, and LaShawn, and Paula for almost ten years now, ever since mom and dad died. I'm so ready to have my own place.

But this is like the first time in...ever that Paula and I have gotten along. For the first time in our lives we're actually like sisters. This oughta tell you something about how close we are: I was talking about going out on my twentieth birthday and not only did she say she was going to force me to go out with her, she offered to lend me some clothes. Paula does not let her clothes out of her sight for anything. When she takes a bus to a show, she refuses to leave her clothes suitcase under the bus. She takes it as a carry on! Granted, most of her clothes aren't going to fit me. Paula has a lot more hip and chest than I do (by the way, totally not fair, she's eighteen for Christ's sake!). You better believe I'm going to take her up on the shoes though. I'm not looking forward to being dragged around clubs by the prettiest girl in town, but if I'm going to do it I'm going to do it in some awesome shoes!

So, I think for sure I have to get out of this house, but I have to find a way to keep Paula as close to me as she is now. I can't lose that. It's nice to have a REAL sister, even if she doesn't come to the dojo anymore.

P.S. She doesn't come to the dojo anymore because I keep kicking her butt!